KristenLunceford.com

A Pleasant View

Scripture is clear that true beauty flows out of a heart hidden in the beauty of Christ.

 “Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.”

 1 Peter 3:4-5

Okay, got it. Dig it, even. But is that all? Well, not quite...if you are married.

I don’t know if you’ve ever read Song of Solomon, but the wife (not the single woman) busts out in a striptease, and her husband goes crazy over her “fawns” and everything else he can see of her. Why? Because dudes are visual learners. Always have been, apparently.

Wives, your husbands are visual creatures in a world that assaults their eyes nearly every moment of every day, and you were created to help him fight this battle (see Genesis 2:18 & Titus 2).  Like it or not, you carry the responsibility of providing your husband with redeeming images of beauty that he can call to mind throughout the day. If you withhold these snapshots, I assure you culture will fill in the gaps for you. This means it’s time to drop the excuses and go to battle for him.

What does this look like practically? Start by drying your hair in only your underwear (the good ones) when you know he’s going to walk by. Click. Put on the earrings he mentioned he liked last month even though they feel too fancy for all the mundane errands you’ll be running that day. Click. Wear a cute apron. Click. Find your mascara…and use it. Click. Stay in your heels after work. Click. Click. Leave the lights on (or at least a candle). Click, click, click. Smile. Wham-bam-Instagram.

 

 “He will be archiving all of these glorious, amazing, satisfying, exciting images of you as his wife. So he’ll be thinking about you. He’ll be meditating on your beauty and your glory. Help him by giving him lots of redeem images.”

~The Peasant Princess: Dance of the Mahanaim 

For some of you, this snapshot making may be hard. It was for me, so I can completely relate. So start small. But start somewhere. If you have young children, try getting up before them a couple days a week to put yourself together. If that’s too tricky because they rise earlier than morning news anchors, contain them somehow with an age-appropriate activity while you wash your face, throw on some blush and a cute sweater, and do something with that hair.

If you work away from your home all day, resist the temptation to walk right past your husband in a beeline to your pajama drawer. If you must don some comfy, post-work garb, ask your husband to help you choose some cozy—but still visually generous—stretchy pants and tops. GapBody has some nice options. But I’ve just heard this. 

If you are single and somehow still reading this post, remember it. Your future husbands will thank you. I promise. And for now, do something about that cleavage and those shorts. The guy you are dating (or hoping to date) doesn’t need the distraction.

All right, time for two practical examples from our marriage, brought you by the letters b u and t.

B-u-t, Kristen, I have a new baby.

Ah, that’s sweet, but you had a husband first and your shower still works. So remember him and grab a louffa sometime before 5 pm, please.

When our oldest son was brand new, I was intentional about showering and getting dressed as soon as he was fed, changed, and contained in the morning. My thought was that if his diaper was clean, his belly was full, and he was in a safe place (crib, swing, bouncy seat, that hook on the wall…), I could “ignore” him for 15 minutes to put myself together, regardless of how he felt about it. Crying? What crying? I was in the shower and he was strategically placed in his room on the other side of the house, so if he had something to “say” about the separation, he could deal with his emotions on his own for a few minutes with me blissfully out of earshot.

Not only did this practice help ensure that I would smell of something more than spit up and rice cereal when my husband saw me at lunch, but it also set into motion some very healthy and helpful expectations that are commonplace in our home seven years later. For example, all of our kids learned from the day they entered our home how to deal with themselves in a crib full of toys or a playmat draped with things to bat and kick at so that I could take care of myself. Not only was this in my best interest, but it was in theirs, too. No one wants to be around a smelly, unkempt, bed-head sporting monster, now do they?

B-u-t, Kristen, I work from home and it seems silly to get all gussied up (unless, of course, I have to Skype with my boss) to sit in my house alone.

This may be true, but I never said anything about getting gussied up. Just get yourself out of the baggy sweatshirt and find some socks that match. Start there and work your way to lip gloss and some time with the flat iron.

I confess that my own home-office arrangement made it easy for me in the past to stay in my pajamas every morning while my husband took the kids to daycare on his way to work. I fell into the trap of being visually selfish in the mornings and visually stand-offish in the evenings, slipping back into pajamas (if I had ever bothered to change out of them in the first place) or workout clothes that were more suited for sledding than sexy shenanigans.  I had to repent of that for sure (repent is fancy for "change my ways"), and sometimes I still get it wrong, but I’ve gotten better. Much better. And you can, too. 

Oh, but how?

Start by asking your husband what his favorite snapshots are of you and why, and then make a sincere effort to be visually generous in ways that are most significant to him. It'll require humility to accept where you have been selfish in this area, and it'll certainly take some effort to begin making changes, but remember God has created you to be helper to your husband, and that includes embracing your role as his ally in the visual war raging around him...by giving him a pleasant view. 

***

Resources:

Poison & Wine: The Married Life (the context for this entire post) and addional resources

Song of Solomon

Chapter 9: Selfish Lovers & Servant Lovers from  Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship & Life Together

The Peasant Princess

Advice for Brides

The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller

Love That Lasts by Gary & Betsy Ricucci

 

The Mother at Home

I'm re-reading John C. Abbott's The Mother at Home to keep me in check as I wrestle to stay motivated and cheerful in my mommying this summer. I found this excerpt particularly encouraging...

"When our land is filled with virtuous and patriotic mothers, then will it be filled with virtuous and patriotic men.  This world’s redeeming influence must come from a mother’s lips.  She who was first in the transgression, must be yet the principal earthly instrument in the restoration. Other causes may greatly aid.  Other influences must be ready to receive the mind, as it comes from the mother’s hand, and carry it onward in its improvement. But the mothers of our race must be the chief instruments in its redemption. 

The brightest rays of the millennial morn must come from the cradle.  This sentiment will bear examining.  And the more it is examined, the more manifestly true will it appear.  It is alike the dictate of philosophy and experience. The mother, who is neglecting personal effort, and relying upon other influences for the formation of virtuous character in her children, will find, when it is too late, that she has fatally erred. The patriot, who hopes that schools, and lyceums, and the general diffusion of knowledge, will promote the good order and happiness of the community, while family government is neglected, will find that he is attempting to purify the streams which are flowing from a corrupt fountain.  It is maternal influence, which must be the great agent, in the hands of God, in bringing back our guilty race to duty and happiness. Oh that mothers could feel this responsibility as they ought. Then would the world assume a different aspect.  Then should we less frequently behold unhappy families and broken hearted parents. A new race of men would enter upon the busy scene of life, and cruelty and crime would pass away. Oh mothers! reflect upon the power your Maker has placed in your hands.  There is no earthly influence to be compared with yours. There is no combination of causes so powerful, in promoting the happiness or the misery of our race, as the instructions of  home. In a most peculiar sense God has constituted you the guardians and controllers of the human family."

Relationships F.A.Q. Resources

Last night via a live webcast to Advance Church's community groups, my husband briefly addressed five FAQs relating to sex, marriage, and relationships. If you missed it, you can watch it here. 

This morning Ryan posted a comprehensive list of resources that you will want to devour whether you are single, engaged, happily married, unhappily married, divorced, widowed, re-married...you name it. 

I wanted to get in on the fun, too, so below are a few  resources that have challenged and changed me as I have reflected on my single years, forgiven my parents for their divorce, pursued my husband through seven years of marriage, and wrestled with trading in my cultrually-biased view femininity for a more Biblically sound view of what it really means to be a woman, wife, and mother. 

Singleness

Best Deals for Singles

“Marriage and singleness both present us with unique trials and unique opportunities for our sanctification” explains John Piper. “There will be unique rewards for each, and which is greater will not depend on whether you were married or single, but on how you responded to each.” This PDF from the women of GirlTalk is loaded with  practical, Biblical advice on how to seize the opportunities the season of singleness offers. 

Stewarding Singleness

A perspective of singleness from a 40-year old member of Mars Hill Church in Seattle.  

When You Don't Have a Better Half

In this in-depth article, Carolyn McCully (via The Council on Biblical Manhood & Womanhood) explains how single women can cultivate femininity in non-romantic relationships, while encouraging the men around us in their application of masculinity.

Let me Be a Woman by Elisabeth Elliot

A solid collection of  essays on what it means to be a Christian woman, whether single, married, or widowed.  A must, must read for any woman seeking to more fully understand, embrace, and walk securely in God's calling for her. 

Dating non-Christians

A great response from Joshua Harris to the question, "Is my relationship with this non-Christian guy ok?"

Questions to Ask When Preparing for Marriage

For the bullet-list lover, John Piper offers up more than fifty key questions (and organizes them by category...oh my!) you should be asking yourself and boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance during your courtship. 

Marriage

I can't reinforce strongly enough my husband's recommendations to lean into these three resources:

Bed of Honor

A little post I did on keeping your marriage bed pure, yes, but lovely also. 

Pastor Mark's Date Night Tips

Try 'em!

5 Things I Wish I would Have Known About Being a Church Planter's Wife

Obviously these are super specific to my experience as a pastor's wife, but Kendra Duty's reflections speak to any wife who is seeking to be a source, not a drain, to her husband. 

Godly Wife, Mother, & Friend

The first in a seies of insightful posts from Grace Driscoll about where we ought to find our identity as women. 

Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney 

You will be hard-pressed to find another book that lays out a clearer, more practical, and more inspiring vision of biblical femininity than this one. It's a "Top Five Books That Changed My Life" kind of read. 

Becoming God's True Woman by Nancy Leigh Demoss

A fantastic starting place for women as they ponder the question of godly womanhood and the ways the feminist revolution has perhaps robbed them of fully embracing femininity as God intended for it to be embraced. 

Divorce

Divorce and Remarriage

This sermon PDF is a quick reference for what the Bible says about divorce and remarriage. 

The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25-year Landmark Study

The Amazon reviews explain this book far better than I could, so go have a read. 

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Okay, I could go on like this all day, but between my list and Ryan's, you should have plenty to keep you busy...for now.

Who says it has to be itsy bitsy?

First of all, congratulations to Karen Bowman for winning a copy of Walking With The Wise this week! Thanks to everyone who entered and for hooking me up with your fun book suggestions. For those of you who didn't enter, try to get your act together next time. :-)

In other news...

I stood in a very long line this morning at the Willows Community Center. Evidently sign-ups for Summerlin swimming lessons is a big deal around here, and the on-top-of-their-game parents show up at like 6 AM to secure spots for their kidlets. I did not know this, otherwise I would not have strolled in at 10:30AM with Selah (and Rapunzel) in tow.

It didn't turn out so bad, I suppose. Landon and Evan get to be in the same class...at 8AM every morning for two weeks in June. We're up anyway, and rumor has it it gets hot in Las Vegas, so they shouldn't be too cold. Time will tell.

I bring this up because I had a lot of time to think about bathing suits while I waited in line, and I thought you all should know about Rey Swimwear. Jessica Rey has created a super
classy, fashionable, vintage-inspired line of suits that keeps with the theme, "Who says it has to be itsy bitsy?" Modest and marvelous, Jessica's suits are so worth checking out--for both you and your daughters. 

My photographer/adoption friend Kristin Rogers (who will be shooting my family in Corona, Calif. in a little over a week!) just wrapped her shoot of Rey's summer cover-ups, so you can browse through those on her awesome site, too. 

Whether you end up in a suit from Rey or one from Target, heed this reminder from CJ Mahaney as you select your and the kids' poolside attire for the summer: 

"We have a gospel mission: not only to preach Christ but to live in a way consistent with our profession of faith. As women, you can detract from the gospel mission by dressing immodestly, or you can enhance the gospel mission by dressing in a way that reflects the transforming power of the gospel at work in you. The humble woman, the modest woman, is concerned about the lost. And her dress reflects that concern. Make this your aim: that there be no contradiction between your gospel message and the clothes you wear. May your modest dress be a humble witness to the One who gave himself as a ransom for all."  

photo credit: Kristin Rogers Photography

Spring Modesty

"Any biblical discussion of modesty begins by addressing the heart, not the hemline.”

~CJ Mahaney

It was 80-something degrees here earlier this week, so out came my capris and on went my tank tops. I even threw on a dress and sported it as I organized our entry closet, raked rocks (yes, rocks), scrubbed behind the toilets (thank you, dear sons), squished Play-Doh, and responded to work emails.  

So that’s the good news.

The bad news is though it’s only been a few days, the excitement of my winter-to-spring attire shuffle has already given way to a mad craving for the online shopping aisles of my favorite stores. It’s a new season, I’m in a new city, and in May I will enter a new decade.

Clearly my closet heart is begging for an overhaul.

And so begins a series of posts I’m attempting to write on biblical modesty. As spring hits each of
your wardrobes, I want point you to some of the best and most helpful resources I have benefited from on the topic of biblical modesty—what it is, what it isn’t, and why God cares deeply about what’s in your (and your kids’) closets.

The hope is to examine our hearts as we examine our hangers in order to see more clearly how the gospel message should influence our motivation for how we dress.  

While I’m getting my thoughts (and clothes) together, please read Fashion and Following the Savior by Carolyn Mahaney and her three grown daughters, Kristin, Nicole, and Janelle. They are--as my husband likes to say--far wiser, smarter, and more eloquent on accident than I will ever be on purpose, so we’ll stick closely to them as we move through my next few posts. 

 

Better a Dry Morsel

On Wednesday a friend of mine tweeted, “What a week this day has been.” Little did I know when I chuckled at her remark that I would be tempted to tweet the same thing on Thursday.

I’ll spare you the gory details because I’m sure you’ve had toddlers throw up on you this week, too, and I know I’m not the only one who has accidentally put a Pull-up in a load of laundry. So all you really need to know is this: I was in a frustrated state of self-loathing most of the morning; I drank more coffee than was responsible; and I wanted to scream every time those last remaining, half-unpacked boxes sneered, “It’s been three weeks and you are still this unorganized? Heathen.”

By 11 AM I knew this much: I was going to be crabby at the dinner table. Most days I work hard to make dinner a celebration for our family, a time for us all to enjoy each other and the fruit of the day’s work—but not yesterday. No, yesterday I knew that I was bound to prepare our meal with a heart of bitterness and then serve it with a piping hot side of resentment.

Recognizing this, I tripped over a pile of papers on my way to our bookshelf and pulled down Praise Her In The Gates by Nancy Wilson because I remembered Nancy referencing a verse from Proverbs about my very circumstance. Something about feasting with strife, I muttered as I scanned the pages…

 “Better is a dry morsel with quietness, than a house full of feasting with strife.” (Prov. 17:1).

 Yes. That’s what it was. I read on as Nancy explained…

“The Lord knows that we women can get distracted over preparing a nice meal, and we can sit down to a beautiful table with a bad attitude. This is not how it should be…Rather macaroni and cheese with joy than turkey dinner with tension and resentment.”

I knew then that I had two options: I could try (and likely fail) to adjust my attitude in time for dinner, or I could text Ryan and ask him to send me his Pei Wei order. Ordering take out is typically a plan reserved for Fridays in our home, but in an act of grace to myself (and to my family), I made a modification. 

Dinner went well (except for that part about our dishwasher forgetting what "rinse" means), the kids had fun trying new food, and I grinned when I opened my fortune cookie.

So whether it’s Thanksgiving or Tuesday; whether you’re cooking for two or for ten, heed Proverbs 17:1 and then remember this from Douglas Wilson:

“If a family cannot celebrate with joy and gladness across the board, then somebody should order a pizza.”

Happy feasting.